My Act of True Love
by laura.lovedidi
Summary: She has saved her life. She wishes she could have done the same for her.


She thinks of her. Right now, while she's reading her favorite book, the one her parents brought back from a trip to Corona, sixteen years ago. The first book she actually read, to make her days more... interesting, she could say. The title's written with gold capital letters on the leather cover.

_Dreamland._

It tells the story of two sisters who find a secret way to have access to the land of dreams. This is a wonderful place where you have to power to make everything come true, with a little bit of _passion_, two spoons of _belief_, a cup of _hope_, and a warm, huge heart filled with****_**love**_. But this land is in jeopardy because of an evil King. The King of Nightmares, who's got the power to make the dreams vanish and haunt the children's spirit with their deepest fears. Together, those two sister have the power to fight him, and to succeed in defeating him, there's one rule : he has to be beaten at his own game. And Dreamland inhabitants have faith in them, because they know that the power of love is stronger than any other power on earth.

_It could've been Anna and I..._ she always thought when she read this book, and it's still true for her.

She's read it so many times since Anna's departure, seven years ago, already. She should've let her in earlier and spent time with her to catch up the years they lost. Her heart's still deeply wounded since the Great Thaw, although it's been ten years that it's occurred and that everyone has forgot it, or at least forgiven her. She only got the time to catch up three years with her sister, before she let her go. She shouldn't have. And now, she regrets it. She regrets everything.

She regrets convincing her to leave with her true love, but she knows why she did it. It was worth sacrificing herself for her sister. She had already done it for her, it was her turn to do the same. Anna's happiness was the only thing she wanted the most. She had deprived her of it for most of her childhood, most of her life. It was the time to give it back to her, what she had brought with her, locked up in her room, separated from Anna. But she'll never admit that she feel remorse each time she thinks of it, at every second passing by, even if everyone already knows it, and if she undeniably does, too.

_"Anna, you have to leave. I'm not shutting you out again, it's just... He'll give up on you if you don't follow him as he asked you. It's been three years already, three years you've been spending your free time with me to catch up those thirteen years we lost, and that doesn't bother me at all, but you have to think of him, too. You have to give him some time, even if only for a while, and we'll catch up the ten missing years after, you'll see, we'll head down this mountain together, remember ? You'll be able to share your time with all the ones you love. But not now, everyone's not like you Anna, people give up when they're sick of waiting. You have to understand this, if you don't want to lose him. You have to follow him where he wanna go." a nervous-looking Elsa has explained, rubbing her knuckles and holding back the tears that dangerously threatened to roll down her pale cheeks. "I don't mean you have to leave forever and never go back, and you can come to visit me or spend some time at the castle, and even come back living here with me after a few weeks, months, or years. Then, he'll see that you love him and he'll agree to go back here and live with us, and maybe he'll propose to you and you both will get married ! And don't worry about me, okay ? I've always managed to do things alone, I'll survive, and afterward, we'll be together again, forever."_

She recalls Anna's jaw dropping dramatically at her words, tears starting to form at the corners of her azure eyes. She had hurt her, obviously. But hurt enough never to come back ? Now, the castle seems so empty without her, so lifeless without her giggles all around its halls. And she wonders why she's never returned yet. Maybe she has forgotten her and the good time they spent when they were children and after the Great Thaw, and only remembers the time they spent torn apart by a goddamn curse. But how can you forget years with your sister you lost for such a long time ? But, what if she hasn't forgotten ? Perhaps she just never wanted to see her again after what they passed through... What will happen if they never meet again ? Will she die without even knowing the reason why Anna had never visited her ?

_It can't be ! Silence is a murderer, we have to talk ! To explain to each other what's wrong, what's happened ! Oh dear Lord, please !_

Yeah, that's true, silence is a murderer. A murderer that kills her from the inside in a long and painful agony. Because she has no clue where her sister can be now. And she wants to see her, to meet her again, because, no, she can't survive without her, she need her. She thought she would survive alone again, but she can't. The three years she spent with her after the Great Thaw has shown her a new side of life, and after seven years she should be accustomed to loneliness again, but she isn't. She doesn't feel alive, she _tries_ to survive.

_You're y act of true love, Anna, when are you returning ? Why haven't you come back yet ?_

How she misses the sister she has shut out for thirteen years, the one who had saved her, sacrificing herself. You can't forget your act of true love. So, she tries to forget, but fight to remember her, rubbing her temples with her fingers and closing her eyes. Her head is throbbing because of the memories she can't forget, and those she can't come to remember. And tiredness doesn't help, it goes without saying. Ten years after the Great Thaw, she knows the consequences of the sleepless nights on her health and ability to judge things and handle her role of Queen. How boring her life can be ! She'd gladly have Anna's. Free time, such less responsibilities than her, and a brain, a brain that functions normally, correctly, that insanity hasn't eaten and wounded from the inside. But there's something that craziness had made her forget, a thing that comes back to her mind from time to time, one second it's here, and the one after, it fades away and she returns to her living agony : Anna isn't anymore.

_No, NO ! No... come back to me Anna ! Oh my dear Anna, I miss you so much ! I need you to live, to be alive, to... to survive all my life !_

Tears start to fall, rolling down her cheek. And now, like each time she thinks of it that way, she suffers. She suffers like she'd prefer to kill herself and die rather that having to pass through this everyday. Because she recalls, She recalls the truth, from a time to another, before she forgets again, returning to her trance, to a world where Anna can still come back, to her eternal wait. A wait that'll never end.

_Anna ! Anna please ! I can't live without you..._

She thinks she can't, contrary to what she told Anna when she left, but she's indeed doing it, just like she said.

_The past is in the past._

And, by repeating this to herself everyday, she's finished by forgetting it. By forgetting what happened to only concentrate on the present, she made herself suffer even more. The past, she's forgotten the past. And she's invented it otherwise. The biggest mistake of her life. She should've faced the truth when it was the time to. She'd have suffered too, but it'd be better than the situation she's in, now. Mentally in trouble. She should've listened to Kristoff, coming back from the mountain to meet her, alone, instead of imagining things which could only hurt her. She had thought that it could've lightened the burden she'd have to carry with her everyday till the end, and even after. But it didn't, no. It made it even worse. Nor did the scars everywhere on her arms, hidden by her countless long-sleeved gowns she usually wears outside of her quarters. But now she stares at them that her short-sleeved dress allows her to see today, and she understands that it was no solution. The burden is heavier now.

_What have I done ? What Hans said wasn't true at the moment he said it, but it became the truth. Now it's the truth..._

She killed her sister, now she's dead by her fault, because she have chased her away from her at a time she should've just continued to let her in. And now, she wasting the life Anna's given to her. Her life, her own life. Which was also Anna's. Because she saved her, even knowing, thinking that she could've never unfreeze. Anna had everything she needed, she had it all, except perhaps her sister's love, and a mere fall has put an end to everything. Now, she'd never come back to Arendelle ever again, never giggles for anything, never do that five knocks pattern on her wooden door. Elsa'd never hear her sweet voice, never see her strawberry blonde head again.

_"I'm really sorry, Elsa..." he has cried, his head in his strong hands before he glanced at them. "I thought they were strong, but... no, they're not ! How can you explain that I haven't caught her ? Even Hans caught her ! Twice ! And I, I couldn't even hold her back once... They let go, they let go Elsa ! I'm... I can't, I just can't..." he has stuttered and looked up at Elsa who was expressionless and who couldn't make a move or say a word. "How am I supposed to live without her, and ith the hands that couldn't prevent her to fall, the ones that killed her ?" he asked, more to himself than to Elsa. But she didn't feel nothing. She felt something, definitely. The tears streaming down her face and her powers she couldn't hold back, unable to contain her emotions anymore, betrayed her. "Elsa... he has panicked, seeing all the snowflakes swirling around them before hanging in the air, motionless as the temperature drastically dropped. Even an experienced ice harvester like him couldn't support the dramatic drop of temperature. But he knew that, if it was that hard for him, it should be even harder for her. He wanted to talk, to explain and discuss with her, because there were things he wanted, needed to understand, like the reason why she had let them go. But he knew some of the answer, and Elsa just didn't want to talk. She has finally spoken,but it wasn't what he had expected. She has chased him away. "I can't live everyday with you in my castle, seeing you, your face... It's been two years I haven't seen her and... It'll never happen again, you just came here telling me that both of you were willing to come back soon but..." she has burst into tears, unable to finish her sentence, and shoved him away when he has approached her. "I know it's not your fault, but please go away, go find your family and live with them. I've got nothing against you, I just can't see you. Not now..." she had explained, wiping the tears away from her face, running through the hallways, leaving him alone in the room, her room._

She's never met him after that. Perhaps he's dead now, too. She doesn't know why she thinks of him like this, but she feels like he isn't alive, like her. She should go better, five years after, And she's trying her best to. But sometimes it's not enough. She's finally stopped to overdose her medicine and to cut herself with everything she'd find, or do other things, things against herself. Because her life is Anna's too, she can't kill herself, for Anna. She knows that se'll forget all those things again, that she'll never go out of this routine. But she has to live, to survive. _For Anna_. She wouldn't want to see her sister harming herself. She was too good to bear this. She loved her, and so did Elsa. And she still loves her.

_I'll never forget you, Anna, I promise. You're in my mind and living in my heart forever. Till the end, no, even after the end._

She's been sitting here for two long, she's got to stand up now, and that's what she thinks. She has to rule over her kingdom and hide her craziness, because hiding is the best thing she can do for the others. Always for the others. In her thirty first year, she's still doing things for others before thinking of herself, and it'll always be so. Forever. She has to prove that she can continue to rule by herself and doesn't need a boring husband who'd be too dumb to even understand her. Even if nobody can understand her. Anna was the only one who could.

_I only need you Anna. You're forever with me, always by my side._

She closes her book, like she's never to open it again - she's read it enough, recently, though - like a page you turn, a chapter you finish, like a new beginning you take, because life's too short and you only have one, because it continues, and you can't do otherwise. Just like the door she closed again, and that she'll never ever open again.

_You were my act of true love, Anna. My life would've been nothing without you. I'd be dead. I wonder what would've happened if you hadn't saved me but, I wish I'd have saved you, and now, my life's reduced to dust, when you're not here anymore._

Her eyes are dry from crying too much. She stands up, replaces her book on her shelf, between two other book she's read enough too, or too many times, perhaps : A family Tales, and Letters to my Beloved. She slowly, quietly leaves her room, glancing quickly at the grandfather clock before she closes the wooden door behind her, once more. Now, she's ready to face her Queen duties for another day. That's what she's been doing for years, after all.

_You weren't only my act of true love, actually. You were_**_my true love_**_, Anna, my true love, but I wasn't yours. I shouldn't have let you go, but maybe that was the best thing to do for both of us,_******_I truly don't know._**


End file.
